The 13th Floor

Reports of Bloody “Vampire Attacks” Sweeping Through New Zealand Town

Just let that headline sink in for a second or two. No, we’re not kidding.

Several news outlets have recently reported that the New Zealand town of Napier, a seaside community on the North Island, has been plagued by a series of unexplained attacks on locals by several unknown outsiders. All the incidents have certain details in common: the attacks took place at night, and all victims were savagely bitten by their attackers, causing serious blood loss.

These incidents have all been confirmed by police, so they’re not some kind of promotional stunt for the sequel to the NZ horror-comedy WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS.


According to New Zealand, an unidentified woman was arrested for attacking and biting another woman in the parking lot of a Napier supermarket. The perpetrator had ripped into the victim’s ear with her teeth.

“She hasn’t bitten it off,” said a spokesman for Hawke’s Bay District Police, “but quite badly… so she needed some medical attention.”

That same night, an altercation was reported at Napier’s Thirsty Whale Bar and Restaurant, in which a crazed woman leaped into the middle of a bar brawl and sank her teeth into a man’s neck, tearing open an artery and sending him to the ER with severe blood loss.

“We’ve never seen these people before,” said Thirsty Whale proprietor Chris Sullivan. “They’re certainly not locals.”

A similar incident had occurred earlier in the week, involving an altercation between family members, one of whom was savagely bitten.

“It is a little bit weird,” the police spokesman admitted.

Authorities are still looking for a possible connection, but as of this posting, they’re still coming up empty. If you ask me, it’s time to call in the experts.


Just saying.


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