The 13th Floor

Natalie Portman Pitches “My Little Stepchildren” Dolls in Mega-Creepy SNL Parody

The short film below was cut from last week’s SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE airing due to time constraints — thus sparing more sensitive late-night viewers from a fresh batch of nightmares early Sunday morning.

But for those who can handle the creepiest doll commercial ever (without requiring months of therapy afterward), Natalie Portman is here to present the fictional “My Little Stepchildren” doll line.

Portman (who hosted last week’s SNL episode) introduces the dolls, targeted at “kids with a flair for the dramatic,” who are encouraged to subject these sad-eyed figures to intense psychological abuse — including locking away their birth certificates, terminating contact with their birth mothers, telling them their beauty will soon fade, and ultimately shipping them off to boarding school.

Image Credit: SNL/YouTube

“Some kids’ gut instinct is to go dark… why not embrace it?” the ad declares, as the young actress who plays little “Lisa” says things to her dolls that would make Wednesday Addams cringe — causing her mom (Portman) to question her buying choices, and possibly her daughter’s sanity.

“This is for the best,” Lisa announces from the top of the staircase before kicking the dolls out of the house for good, with suitcases clutched in their tiny hands…