So, Summer has officially started and you’re still rocking a winter bod. Binging on horror movies and junk food will do that to you. But, what if you could watch horror AND get a good workout? Good news: you can! In 1990, scream queen Linnea Quigley released LINNEA QUIGLEY’S HORROR WORKOUT—an exercise video just for horror fans!
Quigley has never been afraid to show off her killer body, so it’s no surprise she capitalized on her God-given assets with a fitness video. And who better to show you how to get into fighting-good-shape than the woman who has fought off demons, zombies, genetically-modified rats, and chainsaw-wielding hookers?
While the “Queen of Scream” may not have survived all her horror battles, she always looked good. Quigley looked flawless in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, but you can’t expect to look that good being hung up on deer antlers by an evil Santa without doing a little exercise first.
What workout does Quigley do to look so good, you ask? It’s all in her workout video!
LINNEA QUIGLEY’S WORKOUT VIDEO opens with the horror beauty in a hot, steamy shower. I’m not sure what that has to do with working out, but I can only assume she’s showing you what to do AFTER you finish working up a sweat.
Quigley suggests wearing something comfortable for your workout. She wears a metal-studded bra and fishnet stockings, but that may not be the best thing for you. Once you’re in workout gear, stretching is a must. After all, you wouldn’t want to pull a muscle running away from a child-murderer in your dreams—would you?
Once you’re warmed up, start working out your core. Ab work is one of the most important things you can do, and having strong abs really helps for impromptu sexual encounters during a murderous rampage. Quigley suggests doing as many sit-ups as possible before you puke.
Along with core work, Quigley loves doing cardio. Her favorite thing to do is jogging through dark forests, past cemeteries, alone. Sometimes this raises the dead, but this horror honey is well-versed in zombie.
When zombies follow her home after her dangerous run, Quigley stops them in their tracks. Like a drill sergeant, she demands the dead guys get a workout in. Just because you’re dead, it doesn’t mean you should let yourself go!
Watching zombies working out is really motivating. I mean, they have no motor functions and only have a need to feed. Exercising must be SO hard for them. You have no excuses.
When Quigley isn’t training zombies to squat down low, she likes to relax with a few girlfriends and watch her movies. But, just because it’s a slumber party it doesn’t mean you get to slack off!
The buxom blonde does aerobics with her half-naked lady pals in her living room. They do hip-thrusts and side-bends, because strength-training can help when a maniac crashes your party. Which happens after their workout.
Unfortunately for her friends, Quigley’s workout tips didn’t save them. Because she decided to kill them, one-by-one. Hey, when you’re dieting and training hard you can’t be blamed for angry outbursts. Being healthy is hard, guys. But, it’s also rewarding!
So, what have we learned? To look like Linnea Quigley, you must train like Linnea Quigley. Dress comfortably, stretch, strengthen that core, raise your heart rate with cardio, and if people piss you off while you’re dieting… hack off their limbs!
It’s easy. And if working out still isn’t your thing, you can just watch this video to see a nude Linnea Quigley, a sweaty Linnea Quigley, and a maniacal Linnea Quigley. You might just workout one muscle in particular…and that’s better than nothing!