Conspiracy theories used to be fun; they use to be this wacked-out “secret” information, circulated by wild-eyed cranks through Xeroxed ‘zines. Now it’s all cynically crafted political disinformation, weaponized on Facebook.
Remember these? “The moon landing was fake!” “We’ve been tuning our musical instruments the EVIL way all these years!!” “Paul is dead!” Those are awesome. But seriously, “Hillary Clinton runs a child sex ring out of the basement of a DC pizza shop?” That’s just a stupid, depressing waste of our collective imaginations.
In an effort to bring back the feeling of those classic “golden age” conspiracies, I’ve collected five current theories that capture that long-lost tone. They’re fun, delightfully insane, and probably won’t lead to the downfall of Western Civilization…
…or will they?
Entire Earth To Be Destroyed This Year; Details Later
I’m sure you also long for the endless eons of peace that will come when Humanity is finally destroyed, right? Well, pal… 2017 might just be our year! According to author David Mead, a mystery planet is on a collision course for Earth — and will destroy everything you have ever loved in October of 2017… or maybe November.
Like the best conspiracy theories, “Planet X will kill us” has a grain of truth to it: Scientists have long speculated that a large planet could account for orbital anomalies in Neptune and Uranus. In the hands of conspiracy theorists, though, innocent scientific speculation becomes an apocalyptic belief system!
The “Nibiru Cataclysm” theory dates back to 1995, when Webmaster Nancy Lieder received messages from extraterrestrials originating in the Zeta Reticuli star system, through an implant in her brain. The aliens said something like “Planet X is called ‘Nibiru’ and it’s gonna smash right into your puny earth!” Mead took the ball and ran with it, figuring out the date of the cataclysm using information from “every sphere — astronomical, scientific, the Book of Revelation and geopolitics.”
So all we gotta do is wait. Come on, Planet X — bring us what we deserve!
HAARP To Resume Weather Control (and Also Brainwashing)
The High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP) in Alaska was completed in 2007. The antenna array was built by DARPA, in order to “advance the study of natural processes that occur in the ionosphere”… or so they say.
Conspiracy theorists know that HAARP’s real purpose is weather control… or earthquake generation… or mind-control waves… or something. Eh, doesn’t matter… those radio towers in Alaska are up to no good.
Maybe the greatest thing about HAARP conspiracy theories is watching good-natured climate scientists grow increasingly frustrated that their snazzy, innocuous ionosphere-studying-machine is blamed for everything from earthquakes to schizophrenia. In response to the wacked-out theories, HAARP scientists have patiently and repeatedly explained how the antenna array works, opened their doors to the general public, published all their research results, and even host a summer camp for kids to do research. But it did no good — every attempt to reach out to the conspiracy community was seen as “disinformation.” The PR campaign failed so completely, many HAARP conspiracy theorists didn’t even care (or realize) when HAARP was shut down in 2013.
Luckily though, HAARP came back online this year — as you may have noticed, due to the resumption of mind control. The University of Alaska at Fairbanks fired up the antennas in February — which means their PR department must once again offer patient reassurances to the world’s cranks, kooks, and crackpot nincompoops.
Avril Lavigne is Dead; Long Live Avril Lavigne
I don’t care what you say: Avril Lavigne’s breakout hit “Sk8r Boi” is an awesome song. Too bad Lavigne’s been dead since 2003!
Yes, supposedly the pop star hanged herself before the release of her second album — and lookalike Melissa Vandella has been impersonating the singer ever since. The evidence includes side-by-side photos that indicate either irrefutable differences in facial structure, or the power of make-up and lighting… depending on your point-of-view.
There’s also the lyrics: Taking a nod from the Beatles after the death of Paul, fake-Lavigne’s record company (for some reason) included hints like this in later albums: “It wasn’t fake/It happened, you passed by/No you are gone, now you are gone/There you go, there you go/Somewhere I can’t bring you back.” Clear evidence that Lavigne hanged herself… what else could it mean, really?
“Avril Lavigne is Dead” joins “Beyoncé is a Clone” and “Britney Spears is Dead” in the pantheon of Internet conspiracy theories about dead celebs. It’s usually singers most popular with teenage girls who are said to be have died mysteriously; perhaps it’s because horrible assholes on the Internet have a problem with women.
Marilyn Monroe Was Murdered — Because UFOs
Using hearsay evidence from Burl Ives, and a transcript of a supposedly wiretapped telephone conversation between reporter Dorothy Kilgallen and Howard Rothberg, 2017 UFO documentary UNACKNOWLEDGED (now available on VOD — watch the trailer below) alleges that Marilyn Monroe was murdered because she knew secrets about UFOs.
The “smoking gun” here is a telephone transcript of a discussion about a conversation between Marilyn Monroe and attorney general Bobby Kennedy, wherein Marilyn tells Bobby she is angry they broke up, so she will hold a press conference to reveal the truth about UFOs. This was enough to make the Kennedys murder the legendary movie star.
Yeah, it’s about four levels deep in crazy… but who cares? It’s true to me!
New World Order to Implant Us All With Tracking Chips
The idea that the New World Order (or something like that) is going to implant microchips under our skin is at least 30 years old… but 2017 is the year it’s really going to happen!
The theory goes like this: Nefarious government operators will force everyone to accept Radio Frequency Identity Chips (RFID) under their skin, so that everyone can be tracked. This could be achieved stealthily via vaccinations, or other nefarious means. The evidence boils down to this: It is possible to implant RFID chips in people — we already do it to our pets — and something-something the Bible, the Mark of the Beast, blah blah blah, etc. I actually like this theory… not just because it actually is possible, but it’s just so quaint.
First off, consider the expense and logistical nightmare of secretly manufacturing more than 7 billion RFID chips, and then injecting them into unwitting or unwilling people. Then think of the benefits — even if RFID chips could broadcast your location (they can’t), why would that even help the New World Order, or Illuminati, or the Hollow Earth Lizard Men? You really think the Freemasons care that you go to work every weekday and then go to Overeaters Anonymous meetings on Tuesday evenings?
If the Illuminati (or whoever) really wanted to keep tabs on the earth’s citizens, they’d have everyone carry around a small electronic device that constantly broadcasts their location, records their conversation, holds records of their financial information, and keeps track of all friends, families, and acquaintances. Maybe it could have a camera, so they could actually take pictures of anywhere you were. Ideally, they’d make make people choose to carry it around… maybe even pay for the privilege…
Thank goodness we don’t have anything like that. Silly conspiracy theorists!