The 13th Floor

11 Insane Horror-Themed Pornos That Actually Exist [NSFW]

We’ve all hunkered down to the classics: EDWARD PENISHANDS, WET DREAM ON ELM STREET, THE XXXORCIST, SCREAM XXX: A PORN PARODY, or perhaps THE BARE WENCH PROJECT.

When it comes to porn parodies, your options are pretty much limitless, as the porn parody has become a cottage industry unto itself — and that includes, of course, horror-based versions. Any pop-horror property even remotely recognizable has already became fodder for pornographic reinterpretation, and the makers of said porn parodies seem to have a great deal of ease in coming up with X-rated ideas to be mined from horror.

The obvious ones have, of course, been done. As “Rule 34” of the web tells us: If you can think of it, there’s porn of it. But when it comes to the horror films you haven’t thought of… well, it turns out the adult film industry has still beaten you to the punch. The level of erotic imagination that has been applied to some of the following films simply cannot be believed… or maybe it can. Either way, contemplate the fact that the following horror porn parodies actually exist…

PORN OF THE DEAD

Coming up with an adult version of a DAWN OF THE DEAD may seem like a no-brainer (although I personally don’t find rotting corpses that erotic — call me weird if you must), but PORN OF THE DEAD is especially worthy of note because of the talent involved. This was one of the more ambitious products from Rob Rotten — a gonzo pornographer who made hard-edged hardcore, featuring punk aesthetics and a lot of tattoos. If you like your porn to be a little scuzzier than usual, Rotten’s your man.

BEAVERJUICE

A 1992 VHS classic from before the porn parody’s golden age, the rather stomach-churningly titled BEAVERJUICE is, yes, a parody of Tim Burton’s BEETLEJUICE. Little information can be found online about the flick other than the above title sequence. A resourceful video store, however, may have what you’re looking for. Case in point: I once saw it for rent at the now-defunct Vidiots in Los Angeles.

AMERICAN WHORE STORY

Most closely resembling the third season of AMERICAN HORROR STORY (subtitled COVEN), AMERICAN WHORE STORY is about witches casting spells and having sex with one another. I understand the pun, of course… but removing the word HORROR from the title makes it sound more like a hard-hitting Netflix documentary series.

THIS ISN’T TWILIGHT: THE XXX PARODY and TWINKLIGHT

We should remind ourselves that the function of the TWILIGHT movies and novels is to promote a “vanilla” version of sexuality and abstinence that approached the insane; the essence of these stories is about not having sex. So it’s odd that we should mine sexlessness for multiple porn parodies — in the form of both the heterosexual THIS ISN’T TWILIGHT XXX series (yes, there are many), as well as the gay rendition TWINKLIGHT (which sounds more like a low-calorie snack food).

LEFT 4 HEAD (Short Film)

LEFT 4 DEAD is a famous video game series that started up in 2008, and features — as is common in the video game world — a first-person perspective of zombie-fighting mayhem. The games were terrifically popular, so it only follows there should be a first-person porn parody as well. The innovative thing about the short film LEFT 4 HEAD is that it attempts, on a very low budget, to capture the POV aesthetic of the game. How successful they were will be left to your judgment.

THE HUMAN SEXIPEDE: FIRST SEQUENCE

Not to be confused with Jim Wynorski’s SEXIPEDE (although perhaps inspired by the same film), THE HUMAN SEXIPEDE: FIRST SEQUENCE manages to take one of the least erotic films of all time and somehow sex it up. I have had the courage to watch all three films in the original HUMAN CENTIPEDE series, and it took a great deal of constitution to do so. I have not, however, had the courage to watch the porn version.

THE HOLE

Get this premise: A bunch of heterosexual frat dudes get together to watch a mysterious VHS tape. When it’s over, they get a phone call explaining that they’ll “turn gay” in seven days. Yes, it’s a spoof of THE RING  with a gay porn twist. This is a very innovative approach… and I would perhaps argue that a non-pornographic version of this same story would also be a bonkers blast to watch.

PLAYMATE OF THE APES

From Misty Mundae and the team that brought you LORD OF THE G-STRINGS come this truly unwatchable softcore flick about a team of sexy astronauts who land on a planet of apes. Lots of moaning and grinding and sapphic pawing commences. Oh yes, and at the end of the film, all the characters — ape and human alike — sing a rap song about having sex on the planet of the apes. This might be worth watching, provided you’re under the influence.

FRANKENPENIS

Not to be confused with HUNG WANKENSTEIN (only archly referencing YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN), FRANKENPENIS was the follow-up film to JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT UNCUT. John Wayne Bobbitt was, if you might recall, the man whose genitals were severed in 1993 by his angered wife Lorena. To prove that his reattached member still worked, Bobbitt starred in two adult features — including a spoof of FRANKENSTEIN. I guess if your genitals have a large scar and accompanying scandal, it’s best to bank on it…?

GAYRACULA

A difficult-to-find oddity, GAYRACULA is indeed a gay porno about Count Dracula. This one came out way back in 1983, when porn was still shot on film, and adult movies still sort of resembled their mainstream counterparts… albeit in a very cheap way. GAYRACULA has become a highly-sought VHS holy grail of porn-hunters everywhere, and finding a complete version of it online has proven difficult to some. If you’re a VHS collector, though, you know where to look…

 

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