The 13th Floor

Campfire Tales: Five Summer Camps You Shouldn’t Send Your Kids To

Hey parents, are you ready for summer? Your kids will soon be out of school and the last thing you want is for them to veg out in front of the TV watching YouTube videos through the Xbox One all day every day for weeks on end. You need to work and you know that dumb babysitter isn’t going to really do anything to get your kids off the couch, so you’ll need to turn to the time honored tradition that we all hate… summer camp.

But which camp should you send your little squirts to? I have no idea, and honestly, you shouldn’t be coming to a horror-based website for that answer. Use Yelp or something. Ask your neighbors. Just please, whatever you do, keep your kids from these five terrible summer camps, no matter how cheap the prices!

Camp Arawak

Located in upstate New York, pictures of Camp Arawak may convince you that this place is nice and tranquil with plenty to keep your brats busy for a few weeks while you and your spouse get some much needed quiet in the house. But dig a little deeper and you may find that this camp is a real horror, pun intended!

Troubles started for Camp Arawak in 1975 when some of the campers were on the lake doing some waterskiing. These goofballs were too busy having fun to pay attention to the overturned boat they were racing towards and before the campers could stop their boat, they ran over (do you run things over in a boat?) a man and child, killing them both.

I guess Camp Arawak had pretty good liability coverage, because they stayed open. As if the decapitation of people in the lake wasn’t bad enough, a few years later a whole slew of campers, counselors, and the cook were killed by one of the kids! Camp Arawak? More like “Camp Blood”!

Camp Crystal Lake

Just got word from our lawyers that we can’t call Camp Arawak “Camp Blood” because that nickname has already been taken by Camp Crystal Lake, maybe the most famous summer camp in history.

For this place, hidden away somewhere in New Jersey (which is already a bad sign), the problems started when some camp counselors were too busy getting busy to keep a deformed kid named Jason from drowning back in 1957. The next year, the two counselors who were supposed to be watching Jason were killed at the camp – how they weren’t fired from the events of the year before I have no idea. Whatever the case, Camp Crystal Lake shut down.

Two decades later, some idiot named Steve got the bright idea of reopening the camp. I bet he went there when he was a kid and his baby boomer nostalgia took over, making him ignore the many signs that this was a bad idea.

How bad an idea? Before the camp even opened, ten people and a snake were killed! Way to go, Steve! Worse of all, these killings ended with the death of Mrs. Voorhees, the mom of the drowned kid who actually hadn’t drowned but apparently just went off to live in the woods. After seeing his mom get killed, Jason spent years murdering anyone who came close to Crystal Lake, all because Steve wanted to relive his crappy childhood.

Camp Blackfoot/Camp Stonewater

How about we get out of New Jersey and head back to New York? Camp Blackfoot could be a fine place for your sweet little tykes, if you want your sweet little tykes want to create a serial killer!

When a fun-loving prank involving a human skull with candles in the eyes went awry, Camp Blackfoot’s caretaker Cropsy found himself engulfed in flames. Everyone watched as Cropsy, who now looked more like the Human Torch, made his way to the river and put himself out. Again, the liability coverage must have been fantastic, because Camp Blackfoot didn’t close down.

A few years later, a very nasty looking Cropsy was released from the hospital filled with a need to get revenge. We can only assume that Cropsy forgot exactly which camp it was where he was nearly burned to death because instead of going back to Camp Blackfoot, he headed to Camp Stonewater where he really got into killing people with garden shears.

So, if you want your kids to be real asses, send them to Camp Blackfoot. If you want them to unfairly pay for the actions of assholes, Camp Stonewater is the place for you!

Camp Hurrah

Maybe you have one of those annoying kids who will only go to a camp that specializes in their favorite pastime. If that pastime is cheerleading, keep them away from Camp Hurrah!

This place is filled with kids who will do whatever it takes to be the number one cheerleader around, even if it means killing everyone else at the camp. Even worse, Camp Hurrah appears to attract kids who are easily talked into killing people. Maybe there’s something in the water that makes all the cheerleaders so susceptible to obviously bad ideas.

Whatever the case, unless you want little Susie or Scott to come home either dead or covered in the blood of other members of the cheer squad, consider another spot.

Camp North Pines

Sorry girls, this camp is just for the boys! On second though, this camp isn’t for anyone who wants to live to see the fall leaves!

These campers have read LORD OF THE FLIES one too many times and chose to act it out in real life by locking up the camp owner and the counselors before doing what you can always count on teen boys to do – get really dumb.

With overinflated egos likely caused by over-attentive parents, some of these precious boys took things too far when they raided a nearby all-girls camp, leading to, among other terrible things, murder.

So, on the plus side, your son will learn how to take care of himself or die. In the minus column is the chance that your son will either die or end up in prison.

What we’re saying is play it safe and send your kids to Kamp Kikakee. We hear the camp’s maintenance man is a real hoot and loves turtles.

*Header Photo: SLEEPAWAY CAMP, Scream Factory