The 13th Floor

CINEMA IN EXTREMIS: “Lasagna Cat Sex Survey” is the Most Horrific YouTube Video Ever [NSFW]

Consider this your first warning: You really, really need to take note of that NSFW tag, because what I’m about to show you is definitely not for viewers of a delicate nature. Hell, I’m not sure who the intended audience is… and frankly, I don’t want to know, either.

Instead of just writing “NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE” several thousand times for this article, I decided I’d provide a little backstory before you wade into the mental minefield that is “Lasagna Cat Telephone Sex Survey Results.”

If you’re as obsessed with bizarre web culture as I am, you no doubt recall an extremely weird YouTube web series entitled LASAGNA CAT, which first sprang up in 2007 and quickly became a worldwide cult sensation before quietly disappearing into the void.

Fans of TIM & ERIC, or ADULT SWIM’s absurdly terrifying “infomercial” shorts like “Too Many Cooks,” “Unedited Footage of a Bear” and “This House Has People in It,” responded enthusiastically to LASAGNA CAT — which (obviously) is an absurdist parody of Jim Davis’s GARFIELD comic strip created by the comedy team Fatal Farm, a.k.a. Zachary Johnson and Jeffrey Max — whose comedy credits now include gigs with KEY & PEELE and some of the aforementioned Adult Swim “infomercials.” The duo’s first claim to viral fame built a huge cult rep for its absurdist train-wreck of pop tunes, geek culture and meta-humor.

Here’s an early episode from that series (this one’s safe for work):

Despite gaining millions of devoted fans over the course of 27 original episodes — all of which were uploaded to YouTube on January 14, 2008 — that was pretty much it for LASAGNA CAT.

Or so we thought.

One day, nearly nine years later (February 9th of this year, to be exact), the so-called “weirdest show on the web” suddenly announced its triumphant return… and they did this in the most surreal and unexpected way possible.

The promo shown above, which is structured to resemble a feature film trailer, not only suggested a new series with higher production values, but invited fans to participate in the re-launch by calling a toll-free number, which directed them to a voicemail on which they were asked to give their name… and their total number of sexual encounters.

But that’s still not the creepiest part.

True to their word, the Fatal Farm team collected all of the callers’ responses — more than four hours’ worth, to be exact — and incorporated them into a single video episode, which went live on February 23. In this video, actors dressed as the comic strip’s characters (Jon, Odie and Garfield himself, in deliberately cheesy costumes) receive repeated visits from a series of mannequins, who then speak in the caller’s recorded voices, accompanied by cartoon word-balloons, followed by a canned sitcom laugh track.

This pattern continues, without much variation… for over four and a half hours.

But again, that’s still not the creepiest part.

It’s doubtful anyone could be expected to sit through hour after hour of the same ridiculous non-joke — unless they were one of the callers, tracking through the clip to see when their own name and response came up. The only deviations come in the form of the mannequins themselves, whose faces begin to take on ghoulish, distorted shapes as the hours drag on, and the occasional wacky message (“I’ve had 42,000 sexual encounters. My crotch is like a prune”).

But if you dare to slide the play bar all the way to 4 hours, 33 minutes and 30 seconds, you’ll be rewarded with the most disturbing seven minutes in YouTube History.

Okay, now it’s time for the creepiest part.

Remember that NSFW tag? Well, I’m not issuing this warning lightly. If you’re shocked by explicit frontal nudity (not the sexy kind, I assure you), graphic depictions of bodily functions and the kind of depraved content you’d more likely expect from something like A SERBIAN FILM, then please do NOT watch the final seven minutes of this video.

This is not a dare, either. If you’re easily offended, please go watch something less shocking, like the HUMAN CENTIPEDE trilogy.

Frankly, I’m stunned that YouTube hasn’t taken down this clip by now, so if you really want to check it out, I recommend you do so as soon as possible.

One last warning: the final seven minutes are NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

All done? Good. This unfathomable monstrosity speaks for itself — which is fine by me, because when it comes to explanations, I’ve got nothing.

Except, perhaps, for a loose translation of the Polish words spoken by the young woman in the final scene:

This child is not mine.

This child is from the darkness.

I bore Humanity’s curse.

I can ask for mercy, which I will not receive.

My soul will be consumed, vomited up, and consumed again, forever.

A sick joke… but no one is laughing.

My blood will remain.

Death is not the end.

I am in Hell.

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