The 13th Floor

Five Horror Movies That Need The MST3K Treatment

There are few shows that are as perfect as MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000. It is a show that you can watch alone or with friends. A show that you can watch in bite sized bits if you’re one of those weird busy people, or in long stretches for hours at a time if, like me, you enjoy moving as little as possible as you gobble down too many Oreos.

We were lucky to get ten seasons of Joel, Mike, and the bots riffing on some of the worst movies ever made, as well as some movies that aren’t super terrible, but still great for goofing on. We’re even luckier that MST is coming back with new host Jonah Ray as the latest victim of mad scientists who like to make people watch subpar movies.

Now, I don’t want to push our luck, but I really hope we get another decade of great episodes and perfect one-liners. More to it, I hope we get some more recent movies put into the mix. While I can’t imagine studios wanting some (if any) of the movies I’m about to list to become the whipping post for the all new MST, here are five horror movies I would love to see get the treatment all the same…

THE HAPPENING

2 MST3K
This seems like a no-brainer. THE HAPPENING has all the makings for a classic MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 episode – bad acting, a poorly thought out plot, and lots of long pauses between dialog. If, when THE HAPPENING came out, M Night Shyamalan came out and said he made it in hopes of getting the MST gang back together, I would have believed him.

To be honest, LADY IN THE WATER and THE VILLAGE could also be on this list. Shyamalan really misses when he misses (but he also really hits when he hits).

PSYCHO (1998)

3 MST3K
The PSYCHO remake with Vince Vaughn, Anne Heche, and Julianne Moore is an amazing look at how important the right actors in the right parts with the right director is. A shot for shot remake of Hitchcock’s classic, the remake feels like Max Fischer’s version of SERPICO – a high school play of a story too complex for high school talent. There are few movies that are so well made, and yet so lifeless. The peeps at the new MST would be doing Gus van Sant a favor by lampooning this flick.

MY SOUL TO TAKE

4 MST3K
It may be a bit mean to take Wes Craven’s final movie and snark at it for two hours, but MY SOUL TO TAKE is just too perfect for riffing. The story is so simple, yet so confusing. The first half of the movie you have no idea that the two leads are brother and sister. There’s that weird bird costume that pukes on people.

Like many of the terrible 50s and 60s movies from the original MST, MY SOUL TO TAKE also has that weird aspect of an old guy trying to write for teens and failing at it miserably. This could be the RING OF TERROR for the new MST.

DISTURBING BEHAVIOR

5 MST3K
Another movie about teens written by old guys who try to create slang. Remember when we were all going around using “razor” to mean “cool”? Neither do I. But hey, points to DISTURBING BEHAVIOR for trying.

The movie is more than just bad lingo, it has a plot akin to something from the first season of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER spread out over twice the length and without any interesting characters. The 90s aesthetic is pushed to the limit, with nose rings, oversized coats, tribal tats and the whole grunge long but not overly long hair on guys. Maybe a little past the shoulders. The character U.V. is an endless well of jokes for the MST guys to dig into alone.

HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION

6 MST3K
Busta Rhymes vs. Michael Myers in a karate fight. I don’t know if I need to say more than that. Busta Rhymes vs. Michael Myers in a karate fight.

Still want more? The exciting Tyra Banks makes an espresso scene. Katee Sackhoff pre BATTLESTAR GALACTICA as the party girl. The whole live reality TV angle that never really pays off. Oh, did I mention Busta Rhymes vs. Michael Myers in a karate fight? BECAUSE THAT HAPPENS. How can this not be done by MST?!

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