They say that most household accidents happen in the bathroom, but in horror movies there’s no such thing as an “accident.” So when someone in a scary movie has their pants down, and is feeling particularly vulnerable, that’s usually exactly when an alien is about to attack them, or a monster is planning to bite their head off. Or worse. Oh yes, it gets much, much worse.
As we’ve already pointed out, there is a notable horror movie trope involving death by, or at least on the toilet. I suspect this may be because a lot of screenwriters do their best thinking whilst staring at a white wall for several minutes, but that may be neither here nor there.
And since Robert Galluzzo already took the time to showcase
his five favorite toilet deaths, and since my own response was “he forgot practically all of my favorites,” I have emerged from the drainpipe with five toilet-centric movie murders of my own. Because I watched a whole bunch of people get murdered by a commode and at least some good needs to come out of that.
So let’s flush away a few minutes of our precious lives by taking a gander at five more terrifying toilet deaths. You’re welcome, internet!
ABCs of Death
As an anthology series, THE ABCS OF DEATH might actually be too ambitious. One film per letter of the alphabet, in a single feature-length film, leaving 26 filmmakers with only a couple of minutes to work their magic, based on a word that just happens to begin with the letter they were assigned. And somehow, not one but two of the shorts in the original ABCS OF DEATH were toilet-centric: Ti West’s “M IS FOR M__________” (title redacted, because it’s a spoiler), and Lee Hardcastle’s “T IS FOR TOILET.”
Ti West’s installment is simple to the point of being crass, a shocking look at the banality of something gruesome. But Lee Hardcastle’s stop-motion animated segment, about a young boy who is afraid of the toilet and discovers – to his parent’s horror – that his fears were justified, is a cornucopia of nightmare fuel. The childish craftsmanship of the models combines with the outlandish violence to give us one of THE ABCS OF DEATH’s most memorable installments.
Stephen King’s alien invasion story, written while he was on painkillers after a brutal car accident, is probably the loopiest thing he’s ever written. Makes sense. But it also became one of the loopiest horror films of the century: an overblown tidal wave of wacky ideas, acted by an incredible cast (Morgan Freeman, Damian Lewis, Timothy Olyphant, Thomas Jane, etc.), directed by an incredible director (Lawrence Kasdan, writer of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and writer/director of BODY HEAT), and co-written by an Oscar-winning genius (William Goldman, THE PRINCESS BRIDE and MARATHON MAN). The film’s centerpiece involves Jason Lee sitting on a toilet to prevent an ass-blasting extra-terrestrial from getting loose, and jeopardizing his life to reach for a toothpick on the floor of the lavatory. That is, in no uncertain terms, extra-super-duper special. It took a whole team of bona fide geniuses to decide that this bizarre scene, and this entire ridiculous movie, was a totally great idea. Maybe… just maybe… they were right. (But probably not.)
JURASSIC PARK (1993)
“When you gotta go, you gotta go” says Dr. Ian Malcolm in JURASSIC PARK, a movie about mad scientists who clone dinosaurs on an island, and the poor visitors who wind up inside the intestinal tracts of those genetically-engineered monsters. Why does Malcolm say this? Because when a park ride breaks down, a lawyer named Donald Gennaro (Martin Ferrero) flees his car and hides in a nearby lavatory, and Dr. Malcolm hasn’t yet noticed that he’s actually running because the Tyrannosaurus Rex has escaped its cage.
Audiences laugh, because that’s the joke: Mr. Gennaro didn’t have to “go,” and was just hiding from a man-eating dinosaur. But the joke was on us all along: when the T. Rex finally breaks down the bathroom walls we see the lawyer was on the toilet, pants down, doing his business after all. Apparently he was scared enough to crap himself, realized where he was and figured “What the hell.” Perfectly sensible behavior.
SCREAM 2 (1996)
Kevin Williamson had his work cut out for him in SCREAM 2, right off the bat. The original slasher’s opening sequence became instantly iconic, forcing the screenwriter to concoct a comparably horrifying introduction to the sequel. Whether or not he succeeded is a matter of some debate, but the concept was strong: two black characters (Jada Pinkett Smith and Omar Epps) complaining that the black characters are always the first to die in a horror movie, getting killed at the premiere of STAB, the movie-within-a-movie based on the events of the first SCREAM.
Everyone remembers and talks about Jada Pinkett Smith’s very public demise, in the middle of the movie theater, with none of the other audience members realizing her murder isn’t a publicity stunt. But before that, Omar Epps enters a bathroom stall and overhears strange ramblings, reminiscent of the mad crank calls from BLACK CHRISTMAS. As he puts his ear to the stall to get a better listen… stab. That’s what you get for being nosy. Bathroom time is private time.
SCARY MOVIE (2000)
Keenan Ivory Wayans’ profane parody of the SCREAM movies and the slashers that emerged in its wake is best known for its disgusting jokes about firehose ejaculations and micropenises. It’s also infamous for spawning the modern “spoof” genre, which consist of recreating scenes from other movies and adding gross slapstick. (See also: SUPERHERO MOVIE, DISASTER MOVIE, DATE MOVIE, etc.)
But the first SCARY MOVIE has some solid moments, and its parody of Omar Epps’ demise in SCREAM 2 is particularly memorable. The gag is, when Shawn Wayans is on the toilet, he’s not just eavesdropping on the neighboring stall but taking full advantage of a glory hole. But things get out of hand, and he winds up with a penis rammed all the way through his head.
Yeah, it’s not very clever but come on… you haven’t seen that before. Have you?
Oh god, have you…?