The 13th Floor

Red Hot Horror: Even MORE Freaky Horror-Porn Crossovers!

The history of horror is full of sex, and the history of sex is full of horror. And while that second part is usually a tragedy, sometimes it’s a lot of fun, especially where porn parodies are involved. Today, Blumhouse presents its third installment of our favorite horror porn crossovers (you can check out the first two here and here).

The Sex Files 2

THE SEX FILES: A DARK XXX PARODY

Filmmaker Sam Hain directs a visually striking and rather well-written porn parody of THE X-FILES, in which Mulder and Scully investigate a wave of occult murders. The attention to detail in SEX FILES is impressive, from the show’s iconic lighting to the (well-remembered) detail that even on network television, Mulder was a famous fan of porn. Anthony Rosano is just adequate as Fox Mulder, but Kimberly Kane is a spot-on Dana Scully in both looks and performance.

Shark_Bait

SHARK BAIT (a.k.a. BIKINI BABES ARE SHARK BAIT)

No longer content to merely parody films and TV shows, filmmaker Joanna Angel concocted her own strange horror/beach comedy hybrid. In SHARK BAIT, she stars as a bikini babe whose local swimming pool (hey, beaches are expensive) is dominated by an all-girl (and one Tommy Pistol) gang. Eager for revenge, Angel acquires a “cock shark” and drops it in the pool, where it grows to enormous size and chows down on pretty much the whole cast (when they’re not having sex… mostly). SHARK BAIT is also notable for its breezy original song, “Fish Food,” performed by Joanna Angel and the Gigolos. Watch it below!

This Aint The Munsters XXX

THIS AIN’T THE MUNSTERS XXX

Presented in glorious black-and-white – in the special features, at least – Anton Slayer’s homage to the classic monster sitcom THE MUNSTERS gets the show at least partly right. The dumb jokes are there (quoth Herman, the Frankenstein monster: “Good old Mockingbird Cemetery. You know, I owe a lot to the folks out there. They really made me who I am!”) but the filmmakers seem to have forgotten that the Marilyn Munster, the only human member of the family, wasn’t adopted. This leads to total creepiness, but if you can look past that, THIS AIN’T THE MUNSTERS XXX is a lighthearted and silly parody about Herman and Lilly’s 200th wedding anniversary. As a gift, Herman gets his penis upgraded!

The Whores Have Eyes

THE WHORES HAVE EYES

A silly movie starts with an equally silly title, since it would probably be a lot more notable if the so-called “whores” DIDN’T have eyes. In any case, this parody of Wes Craven’s iconic, acclaimed THE HILLS HAVE EYES follows the plot of the original fairly closely: a family in a Winnebago veers onto irradiated soil and runs afoul of a family of wild mutations. This time, at least, the sex is consensual.

Witches Are Bitches

WITCHES ARE BITCHES

Once again I am forced to take issue with the title, since I have met some very nice witches. But these particular witches are jerks. Anna Malle stars as a witch who turns her best witch friend into a guitar, accidentally leaves her on the sidewalk next to the garbage, and returns to discover that she’s been picked up by a wandering bro. He, in turn, discovers that whenever he plays this witch guitar, nobody listening to his songs can resist the urge to have sex right then and there. I presume that this movie was based on a true (but very silly) story.

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