The 13th Floor

If “Funnymouth” Invites You to Chat With Him… DON’T!

Time to gather ‘round the digital campfire and discover another bone-chilling curiosity from the darkest corners of the web… and like many previous entries in this column, this haunting account could be seen as a cautionary tale about venturing down communication pathways that are probably best left alone.

There are several versions of this story, but the most frequently repeated account — not coincidentally, the most disturbing as well — comes from two friends conversing on the #ReferSales forum, whose chat is suddenly joined by a stranger who goes by the handle “funnymouth.” The stranger insinuated himself into the conversation with bizarre, cryptic comments:

i like to lik the bluud

out of in the person

One of the friends, Charles Watts — who went by the username lemonlimeskull — began to scold funnymouth for disrupting the session, and the mystery user was finally blocked from the thread. The conversation between Watts and his friend Jeorge continued briefly, as they wondered about the source of the bizarre intrusion.

Overcome with curiosity, Watts decided to find out if funnymouth was lurking elsewhere, and finally located him at the channel #bluud.

funnymouth was there, alone. Watts/lemonlimeskull tried to initiate a conversation, but nearly all his attempts were met by this reply:

O)_(O

Then a brief, weird exchange began:

funnymouth: i always dont

lemonlimeskull: … You always don’t what?

funnymouth: i always dont thats it

funnymouth: i always dont because they dont and theeennnn

funnymouth: i get silly

lemonlimeskull: O-kay. Well, seeya around.

funnymouth: O)_(O

Watts gave up on the weird conversation, and returned to #ReferSales to chat with Jeorge, explaining the mystery user’s behavior. “Welcome to the Internet,” Jeorge quipped.

The matter was finally dropped, and while eight users remained on the channel, all of them were idle for some time. Watts became bored and frustrated, trying to get someone to chat with him.

That’s when funnymouth came back with the single “staring” entry:

O)_(O

More annoyed than scared now, Watts decided not to reply, and instead closed out the session. Things seemed to be back to normal… until he went to bed that night.

His restless sleep was bombarded by increasingly horrific, lucid nightmares, until finally he began to feel the sensation that something wet and slimy was stroking the back of his neck. In the dream, he reached around to find the source, and pulled off a huge, worm-like creature. He flung it away in disgust, only to feel another one in its place. The cold, sticky feeling was so real that he was startled awake… and was shocked to find a clammy substance on his face and pillow. Once fully awake, he dismissed it as his own saliva, from drooling in his sleep.

Later that morning, Watts received an email… from funnymouth@bluud.com.

i had a good time to talk to you it can b fun aagain youll see what

Unnerved by this creepy invasion of his privacy, Watts sent a harsh reply, demanding to know how funnymouth obtained his email address. Funnymouth responded:

come on

dont be so sad about it

i know u can like it we will have fun a lot of the time

Disoriented and afraid, Watts blocked and reported Funnymouth’s emails, and that seemed to be the end of it… until one day, he received an email from Jeorge:

Refersales.com is fucked up. I can’t get shit to load. When you’re online please take a look ASAP.

Watts raced to the site, but found he was unable to log in. Instead, his browser automatically redirected him… to bluud.com.

funnymouth_03

When it landed there, Watts was met with a terrifying pixilated image of a deathly pale human-like face, but with a grotesquely distended mouth — as if its lower jaw had been pulled far beyond the limits of flesh, muscle and bone.

Watts emailed Jeorge to describe what happened… but his friend was confused by his explanation.

It’s a 404 page, not a redirect. I want what you’re smoking. All I get on Bluud.com is a “coming soon” notice.

But that’s not what Watts had seen. He took another look at that distorted face… and that’s when he saw it: the “pixels” were actually tiny letters of different colors. The letters spelled out the same word, thousands of times: FUNNYMOUTH.

Furious that he’d been hacked, Watts unblocked funnymouth for the sole purpose of calling him out on his tampering. His rant received a familiar reply:

i see ur handsome face

That night, the dreams came again… but this time, it wasn’t a worm stroking Watts’s neck: it was a hand. It began caressing his face, moving its fingers closer to his mouth. Paralyzed in the dream, Watts was unable to stop the hand from reaching into his mouth… and pulling.

With an audible SNAP, the dream-hand broke his jaw.

Watts was startled wide awake, immediately sensing that something had changed. Even before he looked in his bathroom mirror, he knew what he would see…

Several days later, Jeorge saw that lemonlimeskull had rejoined the #ReferSales channel.

lemonlimeskull: I see your handsome face

lemonlimeskull: 🙂

GhostJeorge: Hey, where the fuck were you?

GhostJeorge: hello? Charles?

GhostJeorge: …

lemonlimeskull: O)_(O

lemonlimeskull then left the channel.

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